Modern Men: Are We the Dumbest Males, or What?

By Rick Ryals

I once heard a story that when the white men first came to America they found the Native Americans already here. Now, the Native American man spent his time doing the following:

  1. Hunting
  2. Fishing
  3. Goofing off
  4. Having sex with his woman whenever he wanted. (Some guys might classify this under item #3.)
  5. Fighting with other guys. (Again, this might be classified under item #3.)

In addition, the Native American man did not do any of the cooking. He didn't wash the dishes, either. He didn't help with the kids, except to take the boys hunting and fishing to teach them man stuff. He didn't waste time listening to his woman talk about her feminine feelings. Instead, he hung around with the other guys all the time doing the stuff listed above. (Well, except for number 4; he had to hang out with his wife for that one.)

You might wonder why the European man thought he could improve upon this setup. I kind of wonder that too, so that's why I am writing this little piece. (By the way, this would officially fall under category three above.)

I have found myself contemplating stuff like this more often as I get older. Us old guys are often regarded as wise philosophers, at least by ourselves.

My conclusion is that the Native American man was the most intelligent form of human male that has ever existed. To find more intelligent male creatures you would have to look to the animal kingdom.

Take the deer for instance. For most of the year, bucks hang out with other bucks, except for when they are hanging out by themselves. They don't raise kids. They don't do girl stuff, either. In fact, they don't have anything to do with the girls, except for once a year during rutting season. Once they have gotten a few does pregnant their parenting duties are over for the year. Unfortunately for the bucks, the rutting season usually coincides with the hunting season. Thus, while the bucks are being stupid and chasing does, hunters are out there shooting at them. This just shows that women can get you into a lot of trouble.

Bears have a pretty good deal, too. Like the deer, male bears either hang out with other guy bears or they hang out by themselves. Also like the deer, their parenting duties mostly consist of getting female bears pregnant during mating season. Except for when they get hungry, because a male bear considers it his duty to eat one or two of the kids if the sow is dumb enough to come around looking for child support.

Actually, sow bears seem to be aware of this tendency of the male bears. That is why they don't trust anyone. As you probably know, there is no bitch like a bear bitch and you do not want to get between her and her kids.

Of all the animals, though, the male lion has the best deal of all. This is why we call him the King of Beasts. The male lion is the most intelligent creature in the known world. He pretty much has all the same stuff going on as the deer and the bear. However, the male lion goes them one better. He doesn't even have to look for his own food. While he is sleeping all day, the female lion goes out and kills stuff and then brings it to him. He eats all he wants, just like he was at the Golden Corral, but without having to pay the check or leave a tip. The wife and kids get the leftovers, if there are any leftovers. If not, well, the bitch should have killed something bigger and she can just go out and kill something else if she wants to eat.

By now you are probably wondering how the male lions managed to arrange this sweet little gig. Welcome to the club. Even being the wise philosopher that I am, I'm unable to figure it out. That shows you that we are definitely dumber than male lions.

Can you imagine for a minute that there was a zoo for humans and the deer, bear and lions came and watched us through the fence? They would see men cooking dinner while the women talked on the phone with their mothers. Then, they would see men washing the dishes while the women watched the latest episode of American Idol on TV. Heck, if the kids are young enough, they might even get to see men changing messy diapers. After he gets the kids in bed they could see him sitting on the sofa listening to his wife talk about her feelings.

The modern man puts up with all of this, because he knows if he pisses his wife off she will divorce him. Then he gets the privilege of paying child support and alimony.

Can you imagine the animals laughing at the stupid men as they watch them in this zoo? They would all be saying to each other, "This is better than watching football. Can you believe those guys are paying their wives to take care of the kids?"

Then again, this zoo probably wouldn't work out so well. The deer and the bear and the lion have all got better things to do than go to a zoo. Like hanging out with the other guys, or sleeping, or goofing off. Without any women bitching at them for hanging out with the guys or sleeping or goofing off.

As I have already pointed out, the modern man has got to be the dumbest male creature the universe has ever produced!

Legal disclaimer: I am not advocating that any of you modern men listen to this, or try to put it into practice. If you stop cooking, washing the dishes, changing diapers, or listening to your wife tell you about her feelings and get divorced, that's your own damn fault. Don't come looking for me to help you with your child support.

Back to the Editorial Page

Copyright 2014 by Rick Ryals and/or All rights reserved.